Babies Don't Keep.

"Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

 but children grow up,

as I've learned to my sorrow. 

So quiet down, cobwebs.

Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby.

Babies don't keep."

Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

There are days when Viv wakes up, jumps off the bed and begins her day all by herself.

She runs out to the kitchen and gets her breakfast that I made for her, eats and then plays with her toys for hours. 

She just goes into her own little world and stays there until she's satisfied. 

I sit right next to her and watch her as she builds towers, puts her people in their palace, zooms her cars around the floor.

We laugh and sing and she just enjoys herself and her special things.

She doesn't need me as much on these days.

Then there are days where she will wake up, run out to the kitchen (where I usually am - cooking breakfast) and just wants me to hold her.

Today was one of these days.

The kind of day where if I put her down for a second she wraps her arms around my leg and says "Mama!" until I pick her up.

The kind of day where we just sit on the couch for hours and she lays in my arms and I sing her her favorite songs while she plays with my hair.

The kind of day where at any given moment I have two little arms holding tight around my neck and little lips giving my cheeks soft kisses.

These days are my favorite.

Slow, easy, and filled with tiny quiet moments.

I, by nature, have a very hard time just letting things go and relaxing.

I can't sit still if there are dishes in the sink or the floors need to be swept. 

I can't stop making lists in my head of all the things that need to be done, what our next meal will be, etc. 

More and more I've been trying to let these things go.

My baby girl is growing up right before my eyes and there is no way of slowing her down.

Every day she is bigger and smarter than the day before.

Every day she is more independent and less reliant on me.

In just a few short months we'll be adding a new baby into our life and it's going to change the way our family operates.

Things will be different and we'll have to adjust to new schedules and Viv will no longer be the only baby vying for my attention and affections. 

So, today I am savoring and breathing in every single slow moment with the little girl who stole my heart. 

I am so deeply loving those tiny arms squeezing me so tight, those tiny fingers brushing my cheek, and all those little laughs and songs her voice whispers to me.

Tomorrow is a whole new day and I may not be so lucky as to get as many snuggles and loves as I'm getting today. 

Tomorrow may be one of those fast, independent days where she doesn't want me quite so close to her.

Tomorrow she will be older and not as tiny.

So now I'm going to go lay my body next to hers as she quietly and peacefully sleeps and breathe her in before this day is forever gone; before my baby is longer a baby. 

The Magic of Christmas

I really am so excited for Christmas this year.

The year we got married I made sure that Christmas was a huge deal.

I was working full-time and Josh had two jobs so we had a lot of extra money that we were able to buy each other gifts with. 

I spent weeks picking out and buying gifts for Josh and I made sure he had plenty of things to open on Christmas morning. 

It was my first Christmas as a wife and I felt like I had to just make it so big and memorable.

It was definitely fun spoiling each other but looking back is not something I would do again.
Even though I put a lot of thought into the things I got and he loved everything, it just was a little bit over-the-top. I don't think we would even remember what we got each other now if we didn't have pictures.

Then, last Christmas was so different. I wasn't working and Josh was only making enough money to cover bills. 

We barely even had money to buy a Christmas Tree. 

We weren't able to get each other any gifts - not a single one.

It was sad and depressing.

I kept reading blogs about all these beautiful and abundant Christmas morning's that everyone had and it was really hard for me. 

We got a lot of gifts from family on Christmas Eve and at my parents house, but when Josh and I woke up on Christmas morning it was empty under the tree.

I'm not someone who is obsessed with material things, but when it comes to Christmas I need to feel the magic.
 Now, looking back I wish I hadn't have let it bother me so much - it was so trivial. 

This year is different from both of the previous Christmases.

About a month ago my dad called one night and told me that I had some money that I had forgotten about and he wanted to remind me of it. He wanted to see if I wanted him to keep holding on to it or if I wanted to take it. Josh and I were in the store when my dad called and I literally just started weeping (and then jumping up and down) when he told me. I had been praying for some kind of miracle so that we could have a nice Christmas...even if it was just so that I could get Josh and Viv one or two things. 

So, I thought about it and talked with Josh about what we should do with the money. If we should just pay bills with it, keep saving it, or have a nice Christmas. We talked and since we had December's bills covered Josh said we would be fine and didn't need it for bills. We have a pretty good system for paying the bills and never are late...our problem is that we just don't have any money left *after* paying the bills. 

Anyway, we decided that since I had been saving and waiting for this money for years that I should be the one to decided how to use it or save it.

So, this is how I decided to use the money:

Save some.

Use some toward bills so that we had a little extra money when we needed some.

Use the rest on gifts.

Now, it wasn't a lot of money, but to me it felt like a fortune!

So, over the past few weeks I've been making and buying gifts for everyone in the family.

I even made all of my cousins a little something! 

I put all of my thought and love into what we would get for each member of the family.

I didn't splurge and I didn't buy things just to buy things.

I really thought about each item and each person and it was such a special time for me.

I feel great that I didn't spend a lot of money but that I was able to spend enough so that I could bless each member of the family with some special things that they will remember.

This Christmas feels extra special because it's so filled with love and not filled with an obsession over material possessions.
I can hardly wait for us give out our gifts and for Josh and Viv to wake up on Christmas morning! 

Anyway, all of that was just to get to this part of the post:

All growing up my brothers and I would be excited all year for Christmas time to come.

My mom made this holiday spectacular every single year.

When we lived in our first house (where I mostly grew up) we had cathedral ceilings in our living room.

Now, I probably remember this room being a whole lot larger than it actually is since I was young, but I know that it was really a large room.

So, every year we would go out into the woods at my grandma's house and my mom would spend hours picking out the perfect Christmas Tree. All my brothers and I were pretty young and there was always a few feet of snow on the ground, so this particular part of Christmas wasn't our most favorite. After my mom found her perfect tree my dad would cut it down and we would bring it home. These trees were about 20 feet tall and at least 8 feet wide or more - huge, monstrous trees! My mom would bring up dozens of bins and boxes of ornaments and decorations up from the basement and my dad would get his full-length ladder from the garage and start with the lights. 

I remember being in my pajamas and sifting through hundreds and hundreds of ornaments with my mom. She would tell me the story for each ornament and we would add them to the tree. Mom would stay up decorating the house with all the finest details of the holiday.
Garlands on the stairs' banister, nativities secretly placed all around on shelves and wreaths hanging on doors. 

My mom is the queen of Christmas decorating.  

Every year on Christmas Eve my brothers and I would each get two gifts to open: one was new pajamas and the other was a special ornament. Mom always picked out an ornament that had something to do with our year. Sometimes it would be a favorite animal from that year, a hobby that we started, or just something she knew we would love. 

She still does the ornaments for us and they're still just as special.

After we opened our two gifts my younger brothers and I always left milk and cookies out for Santa.

Even though we grew up in a strong Christian house and Christ was always the center, our parents still gave us the magic of Santa. I think I knew at a young age that he wasn't real, but that didn't matter, it was the magic of the thoughts and traditions that came along with believing in him brought. It was the real story of Saint Nicholas that I believed in - so it as still fun to pretend that Santa really did come on Christmas night.

We would go to bed that night with flutters in our hearts because we knew that when we woke up the next morning there would be magic everywhere. 

After we were all in bed on Christmas Eve night my mom would stay up late into the night wrapping gifts and arranging them perfectly under the tree (I know this because after I got older I started staying up late with her wrapping gifts for my brothers and talking). Mom put every ounce of her love into wrapping and arranging those gifts.
 Every crease and fold in the wrapping paper was (and still is) perfect.

On Christmas morning I always remember running in to wake my brothers up so we could all run to see what was under the tree. 

We would run to the living room and just stand with sparkles in our eyes looking at what "Santa" had brought us this year. We would go around looking at all the gifts looking for our names - but never touching any of the presents because we wanted Mom and Dad to enjoy them too. We would go get my parents and they would come to the living room and be just as in awe as we were (more in awe of the joy in the hearts and eyes of their children). My mom would get out her camera and my dad would set up the video camera. We would all line up on the couch and Mom would give us all our stockings.

My favorite part about our Christmas mornings were our stockings. I think I grew up thinking that the best thing about my mom was how she made them so perfect. 

We would always have an orange, some candy, and lots of little toys and things we just loved. Every tiny gift was just what we wanted. In my stocking I always had girly things for my hair and chapstick, things with princesses, or tiny trinkets for the shelves of my bedroom. It always amazed me how many things were able to fit in those small stockings. 

After that we would go around handing out gifts to each other and taking turns opening them. Each one was just as big of a surprise as the next. The whole process took a few hours and as kids, we just wanted to rip every thing open all at once but we always had to take turns - one by one.
Christmas evening all of our extended family would come over to open more gifts and my mom would make a huge dinner. I always remember playing with all the cousins for hours and talking about all our new toys.

Over the past few years Mom always kept Christmas pretty much the same.
We moved to a smaller house when I was a teenager so our tree's went from monstrous to normal sized.
My oldest brother moved away and got married.
I moved out of the house and got married.
And now all my younger brothers are teenagers.
So, things aren't as "fun" as when we were all kids.
No more bright toys or using our imaginations all day long.
But it's funny, because now this year it's like my childhood Christmas is coming back to us.
Now we have Viv, a tiny young soul filled with wonder and joy.
A little person to take in all of the magic of Christmas - so innocently.
A new child to play with toys and imagine and dream.
A new heart to be thankful and happy.

Christmas to me isn't about the gifts.
I was raised in a family that was able to bless their children with new, fun things and I'm thankful for that blessing.
But to me Christmas is about the magic that fills the air and fills the souls.
I remember every detail of every Christmas morning of my childhood because my parents made sure that there was joy in every detail.
Christmas for me is about the love that is so strong between family.
I am so thankful that I had four brothers to spend Christmas morning with every year.
I am so thankful that I had two wonderful parents.
I am thankful for the details.
For the lights, for the smells, for the people.
For the innocence that my parents put in my heart.
For the imagination and wonder that was instilled in me that I can pass on to my children.
I'm thankful that in the past few years my family has more than doubled in size.
My in-law side of our family is beautiful and I love that my kids are going to grow up with them in their lives.

So, this year is my first year that I'm going to pass on to my child the magic that my parents gave to me.
We all have new pajamas and ornaments to open on Christmas Eve, and stories to read under the tree about Santa and Jesus' birth.
I'm going to make a special breakfast and video every moment from the time Viv wakes up on Christmas morning.
We don't need a lot of gifts or money to enjoy the Christmas holiday.
I am thankful that I have a family to spend this time with, to laugh with, and to love.
I treasure these days and these memories. 

Dreaming

My dreams have been getting more and more vivid lately. 

Most often I am dreaming about my little Vivienne or giving birth. 

I love it so much - when I wake up I feel a little bit closer with my Girl.

Last night however, I had a rather frightening dream and it felt all too real.
It was about Josh (my husband) and I.

Note:
this post is very emotion-heavy.
If love-y talk make you feel sick maybe this story isn't for you.
:)

let me catch you up a little

See, a few years ago before Josh and I started dating I was far too close to marrying my highschool boyfriend.

It wasn't a relationship that I was happy in and was just all wrong for me.

Said boyfriend came home from a semester away in England with an engagement ring.

See - far too close to marrying the wrong guy!

It scared me to death because I didn't love him. I felt no emotion, nothing in my soul.

Josh was my best friend and we were purely and innocently in love.

During this time of "almost engagement" Josh and I didn't speak for a month because he knew I had a boyfriend and that it was wrong for us to be such close friends as long as I was in a relationship. 

That was the longest, most dreary month of my life.

  I cried all the time because I just longed for this guy who was my best friend - the one person my soul felt utterly connected to. 

I didn't think that we were ever going to speak to each other again.
*the reason this was all so hard is because we never admitted that we loved each other*

It broke me and it broke Josh. 

As you can see - Josh and I almost didn't happen.

So, back to my dream last night

this is the condensed version because as I mentioned, my dreams have been extremely vivid and detailed and this post is already pretty emotion-heavy and I don't want to further torture you with every detail.

It started out where Josh and I were best friends, we did everything together for so long. 

Some time passed, maybe a year or so and we never told each other how much we loved the other. 

We parted ways as what happens to friends in life - for school, work, etc.

for years all I could think of was Joshua. 

I had boyfriends but they never worked out because I still loved him.

About 10 years passed and we both went back to our home town where we grew up as best friends.

We bumped into each other at a social gathering and the raw emotion that I felt (in the dream and for real) just overcame me. 

There was this boy standing in front of me who I loved so dearly, who was now a man. 

A man with a wife, children, a home, a career. 

I hugged him and felt that boy I always knew - my heart was still his.

The pain and regret was so powerful, so real. 

My soul was stuck in the decade that was behind us and my body standing in the present. 

All I could think of were the things that 10 years ago I should have done differently. If only I would have just run to him and told him I loved him - what would I have lost more than I lost by not speaking up. 

My dream ended with me standing in front of Josh - all these emotions rushing through me. 

I woke up

horribly shaken from the things that just went on in my mind. It took me a minute or two to process the fact that it was a dream - it wasn't real.

Josh came home from work at 8am, a few minutes after I had woken up and I just held him close. 

I am so thankful for the life I have - for the husband I have.

I'm so thankful that 2 years ago I spoke up (well... had a meltdown) and told Josh that I loved him that I needed him in my life. On the night Josh and I talked about our feelings I said this to him:
"I don't want to live my life wondering what would have happened with us if we didn't try. I can't live with any regrets."

I haven't thought about it in a very long time, how I was so close to my life being so different from what it is now. I don't like to think about it because honestly, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are sealed together for life.
Sometimes I feel like no one else could ever feel as passionately about someone as I do about my husband because it's so strong in my soul.
I wish for everyone to feel this way - to love so strongly that nothing could ever unbind.

The End
I apologize for the "cheesy-ness" of this post.
But...I am a pregnant woman and you know what that means...emotions are stronger than ever!