Just some thoughts for myself.

Lately I've been struggling with the idea of weaning Vivienne from co-sleeping and breastfeeding.

Josh and I both strongly have our hearts invested in the attachment/baby-led parenting approach so this idea of weaning is really hard for us both.

For the longest time I've been letting what other people tell me and all of the things I read influence how I've been feeling about it.

Everyone says that Viv must be weaned by the time the new baby comes and after hearing this from so many people it started to really stick into my mind that "oh my gosh, we have so many changes to make!"

Last night when I got into bed (I had put Viv to sleep a few hours earlier) I curled up next to her little sleeping body and put my arms around her and I realized that my little girl is still a baby and there's no reason for me to be trying to change things that she's not ready for...that none of us are ready for.
She is still so little and so innocent and so dependent on us.

Just because we chose to have babies so close together in age doesn't mean that one has to grow up faster than what she's ready for.
As a mother I obviously am not going to force my children into doing anything that they're not ready for and that starts the moment that they're born and continues on through their lives and applies to even little things like sleeping and nursing for comfort.
So, I guess this post is just to remind myself that Viv is still a baby and there's no hurry to make these big changes for her.
I'm confident that once Penelope is born our life will change and adapt to work how it's supposed to as a family of four just like it did when we became a family of three.
What's life without some challenges along the way, right?
Maybe we're crazy or maybe we seem unprepared but our hearts are ready for these challenges and these new adventures.
Every day I think about our life with two little girls and I just can't wait!

If you have any tips or advice or just stories on raising two children under a year and a half old I would love to hear!
Especially if you have any experience with tandem nursing/co-sleeping!
It's always so reassuring to hear from other mom's who have been in similar situations and I know I can't be the only mama who's ever nursed a toddler and newborn at the same time or practiced baby-led sleeping with two under a year and a half.
Crazy mama's unite!

xoxo.

Making the Bed

Viv is the greatest helper.

She is always trying to help me sweep and mop the floors, cook dinner, and throw garbage away. 

Her favorite thing to help me do every morning though is to make the bed.

It takes such a long time but we have so much fun and it's the best way to wake up.

We jump on the bed, fall in the piles of pillows and hide under the sheets.

Viv is such a joy to be around at every single moment and I just love her life.

The beauty that children bring to life is magical. 

Just Us.

Yesterday morning we were feeling great, the sun was shining and all I wanted to do was get out of the house after being cooped up for so long being sick. 

So I got Viv ready and she and I headed out on a little mommy-daughter date!

I usually don't take her with me when I go out because 1. she likes staying home with Daddy way more 2. I usually run my errands in the evening after Josh gets home and Viv starts to get crabby in the evening if we're not doing "fun" things. 

We also like to go out all together A LOT.

 Actually, most times I have to do anything Josh wants to come too and we all go together - which I love.

So all of these things combined don't really leave much opportunity to take Viv with me alone to do the simple errand running tasks. 

I decided that it would be fun though to just do normal things with her and make her feel included. 

First we went to Target and I let her pick out a new book and some special new clothes for our vacation to Florida! She LOVES picking out clothes for herself. 

We walk around the department and when she see's something she likes she gets so excited and wants to try and put it on.

She knows what she likes and doesn't like already and it's way too adorable to see her fashion sense grow. 

After we went to Target we stopped at Panera Bread for lunch which was probably the most fun I've ever had with Viv. 

She was really like a small child and not like a baby and we just hung out and laughed and ate our food.

She got her very own macaroni and cheese and tiny iced water and she sat in an adult seat and ate all by herself (she even used a fork!). 

After she was finished eating though she wanted to run around and meet everyone who was there - and of course, she was the main attraction.

After lunch we went to Best Buy really quick to pick up my camera and then we walked down to the post office to grab some stamps. 

The whole time we were out I know that she felt like such a big girl.

She held my hand and walked next to me at times, gave me hugs whenever she got really happy, and talked to all of the kids that she saw. 

I believe it's definitely important to do special one-on-one things with your kids.

I know that I spend every day with her at home and we play together all day but to make an effort to do new, independent things outside of the house is important. 

Right now it's just her and I most of the time and soon we're going to be adding a new baby into the family and that's going to mess with the balance of our household in such a new way.

I think it's one of the most important things for us as parents to make sure that Viv still gets that special one-on-one time with both parents both before and after the baby comes. 

I came from a family with 3 younger brothers and I know how easy it is to get lost in the midst of the chaos of young children and how easy it is to start to feel left out or forgotten a little bit. 

Viv is my special girl.

She is a treasure and her soul is tender.

She lives for the positive-reinforcement and physical love that we give her. 

Since she was born we have showered her with hugs, kisses and praises and that's what she knows and that's how she functions.

She is happiest when we're adoring her.

I know some people who are so opposite of that.

People who don't kiss their children or tell them things like they're beautiful, but love them in other ways (which is fine, I'm not one who really cares about how other people parent their kids).

We're all about the encouraging words and physical presence in our children's lives.

It's so important for us that our children know the deep love that we have for them and our way of showing them is through hugs and words and emotional love.

I can't wait to add another sweet little girl into our lives to love on but until then we're just enjoying this precious time that we have with our first little girl before she's no longer our only baby.

These next few months are going to be so special for us.

Viv is going to grow and learn so much when Penny is born and for right now I'm perfectly happy just keeping Viv as tiny as possible.

Time is such a vapor and every moment that goes by is one more moment that Viv will no longer be a baby.

Though I think I will always see her as my baby.

Soon she's going to be a big sister, the eldest child.

Today we're spending this sunny afternoon dancing and singing songs.

It's a good day. 

My Girly Girl

Last night Josh took Viv and I to the mall so that we could get out of the house and hang out all together. 

While I was in a store trying some things on Josh called in to me that he was going to take Viv to the toy store next door.

When I came out of the dressing room, they had come back already and Viv was holding this Rapunzel barbie doll and had the absolute biggest smile on her face.

Earlier in the week while we were at a friend's house Viv discovered barbie's and there was no going back from there. 

Josh said that when she saw the aisle of barbie's in the toy store her face lit up and she got so giddy and kept exclaiming to him and showing him all of them. 

So of course, being the softy that he is, couldn't say no to her and bought her her very first barbie! 

(Not that I probably could have resisted her charm either, hehe.)

I love this life that we have.

This girly, pink-filled joyful life.

Having daughters has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl myself and now I'm finally getting to experience the life of having girls.

Growing up with all brothers was fun - I played in the mud and caught frogs with my bare hands more often than I played with dolls (not that I would mind if my girls did that stuff too).

I can already tell that Viv is going to be an extra girly-girl. 

She is drawn to anything and everything that is pink, has sparkles or has any kind of hair to brush.

Her most favorite thing to do is to play with her dolls.

She dresses them up, she gives them pretend food, gives them baths, and acts like a little mommy to them.

She calls them by their names and carries them all over the house all day long. 

She also loves to dress up.

She will have me pick her up so that she can pick out dresses from her closet and we will spend whole afternoons trying on different dresses and shoes.

She dances around and smiles while admiring her outfits and accessories. 

I love my little girl to pieces.

She is my dream and every day I'm so thankful that she is mine.

Life is getting so much more fun as she gets older and I can't wait for all of the stages we're going to go through with her, Penelope and any other children that we're blessed with. 

My Joyful Girl...

Last night I was making a lemon sauce for some chicken I was making for dinner and Viv saw me cutting the lemons and started tugging on my leg until I gave her a piece. 

She loves lemons!

I think that she only likes them because of the faces that they cause her to make and our reactions from the faces.

She really is a comic genius.

She lives to make everyone laugh at her antics.

She does the most ridiculous things and she knows that she's doing them for laughs. 

I'll watch her practice her weird stunts by herself and then she will come out to me or Josh and do them for us until we're bursting out laughing. 

She will make her toys sing so that she can do a crazy dance for us - and she doesn't laugh herself until it's all over and she's done with her routine.

She will go into our room and take clothes out of the dresser and put them on her head, walk out to us, and then start doing weird dances when she can't see...which is hysterical.

She'll dump her buckets of toys on her head and walk around with the basket on her head until we laugh at her.

She is just so filled with laughter and joy.

Every moment of the day we are either laughing or making up new things that will make us laugh.

From the day she was born, Viv hasn't stopped smiling and making us smile.

She has the sweetest personality and she just makes me melt every time I look at her.

I always look forward to the morning when she wakes up because I know that she is going to fill my day with joy.

Her imagination is astounding.

We play with her toys and she talks to them and role-plays with them already.

She makes all her dolls sit together and gives them cups of "jujee" (juice) and she puts them in her swing or bouncer seat for nap times. 

She is the best little mommy at only a year old.

The hours go by so fast because we spend them imagining and learning.

I just started building her blanket forts and she thinks those are the coolest ever.

We read stories and snuggle in them for hours. 

I'm making her a tent for her birthday and I can't wait for her to see it!

I'm soaking up these days of just her and I.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty for getting pregnant again so soon because I cherish these times of just her and I and I don't want her to think that the new baby will take me away from her attention. 

But I know that it won't be long until Viv and Penny are the best of friends and will be for the rest of their lives. 

I never had a sibling close in age to me and that's something that I always wished for; especially a sister.

My older brother and I were never very close as he is almost 9 years older than me and my younger brother closest in age is 5 years younger than me (though now that he's older we get along splendidly). 

Josh and his brothers are very close in age and that's something that I've always loved and admired.

They do and have done everything together since they were babies and I just love that bond. 

I know that Viv will be the best big sister to Penelope. 

I can just see her now wanting to hold and rock her and sing her little songs.

I can see her showing her how to do everything and making sure that she is always safe.

Viv is just like that - she is loving and warm.

I can't wait to keep watching her develop and grow and discover.

She is something so special - she is the best treasure.

I loved these pictures of her from when she was eating her lemon. 

She's such a silly girl. 

Just Some Current Thoughts...

Here we go, I'm already taking a blogging nosedive.

I was so good about posting for a few weeks and now this week I've completely ignored this blog. 

I need to keep motivated to write. 

It helps me, it's a special place for me and I want to remember all the things we do.

One of my favorite things to do is to read old blog posts from this blog and my old blog and remember.

A few days ago Josh and I went through my entire archive of my old blog (from when we first got married) and it was so fun to see how much we've already changed in such a short time. 

We kept laughing at ourselves because things are so different now just two years later and we're two totally different people. 

We've matured and learned so much in these short years and it's fun to have an archive of our life at our fingertips. 

I'll just recap our week real quick.

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions this week on so many different things and I've sat down to write about 6 times since Tuesday and just haven't had the concentration to do so.

Tuesday morning I had oral surgery which was pretty terrible. 

During the procedure I was wishing that I was giving birth rather than having a tooth pulled out of my head. 

That whole day I rested in bed with a pounding headache while Josh and Viv played.

Josh was an angel during my downtime.

He went and rented me a whole stack of chick flicks, brought me food and juice, took care of Viv and cleaned the house. 

He even cleaned out the fridge! 

Seriously you guys, my husband is a dreamboat.

The next day I was in less pain but my face was so swollen and bruised that I couldn't do much talking or eating.

Josh was home Tuesday-Thursday again this week (but he's starting school on Tuesday and starting to work 15 more hours at work a week) so I really just soaked up these last few days with him around all the time. 

By Wednesday evening I was anxious to get out of the house so we took a trip to Target to get a few things for Viv's birthday party in a few weeks. We went out for a quick little dinner and we were home by 7pm ready to watch more movies. 

I really loved those two lazy days of doing nothing really. 

We don't get many of those so we just enjoyed them as much as possible. 

Yesterday we took a trip out to my parent's house for two of my younger brother's birthdays. 

I hadn't seen my family in almost 3 weeks and I was starting to get a little emotional about it. 

It's so hard to drive an hour out there in the winter because there's so much snow and it gets dark so early that I hate driving out there by myself with Viv. So I don't get to see my mom as often as I'd like during the winter which just adds to the dreariness of these cold months. 

Today is back to the normal routine.

Josh went to work this morning, and I woke up early to do a quick tidy of the house before Viv wakes up.

*If you're still reading then you deserve a warm cookie or something. Seriously, I don't know how I can get more boring than recapping my dull week. I'm about to get a little deep and emotional though, so you might want to just give up reading this post now before it gets worse* 

I've been having a lot of thoughts and emotions on certain things this week.

I feel like my brain needs a nap because it's just been on overload. 

I'm a deep thinker. 

Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my mind is so busy thinking about things...plans, details, my kids, moving, money, people. 

This is Josh's last semester of school (at least for the next year or two until he starts grad school) and I feel like there's finally a light at the end of this long tunnel. 

I've been with him since the very beginning. 

We met just before he started his very first college semester in 2008. 

The next semester and the two following we took classes together.

We started dating and got engaged during those semesters and by the fall of 2010 we were married.

I stopped taking classes after 3 semesters so that I could work full-time and help provide so that he could graduate with his associates. 

He graduated and then started up at the University in town to get his Bachelor's degree. 

During this time we got pregnant for the first time, had our first daughter, celebrated two years of marriage and got pregnant with out second daughter. 

Like I said, it's been a long road. 

My whole adult life has been Josh being in school, spending long hours writing papers and doing homework all while working multiple jobs to make things work. 

My whole adult life has been struggling to pay the bills, having one vehicle, and not having much spare time with my husband except for summer time and winter breaks. 

Now finally things are looking up.

I feel like this semester is going to feel like the longest one yet though. 

It's winter which automatically makes the days feel longer, but on top of that we're going to be so busy waiting to hear from jobs, sending out applications and *hopefully* making a trip or two down south for interviews (Because I'm obviously tagging along to check out the towns - granted I haven't just had a new baby). 

We're praying and trusting that the Lord will provide for us but it's still hard not knowing.

Not knowing if or when or even where Josh will find a job.

But I know that in the long run this time is going to fly by. 

We've come so far and this time of our life is almost complete.

We're starting a new chapter soon.

It might be just as hard as this one for awhile but I know that it's going to be so much better.

So many new adventures are in our future; so many new memories. 

At 21 my husband will graduate from college, have been married almost three years and have two children. 

Now that's a roller coaster ride right there! 

Joshua is the most positive and upbeat person I've ever met and his energy is inspiring. 

It takes a whole lot for him to get worn out and tired.

He's a powerhouse of energy and knowledge. 

I'm so proud of him for getting us this far and I can't wait for us to go ever further together!

Hmm...this is definitely not what I thought this post would be about but like I said, I'm a thinker and my mind is always going in different directions. 

I have major ADD and I cannot focus on one thing for more than a few minutes.

I'm very fidgety and busy in my mind. 

I originally wanted to write about some things that I've been thinking about lately on having daughters but now it would just be too long of a post to get into. 

Right now I'm going to go clean up the kitchen floor because Viv just pulled a bag of flour out of the cupboard and decided that it would be fun to play in.

Babies Don't Keep.

"Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

 but children grow up,

as I've learned to my sorrow. 

So quiet down, cobwebs.

Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby.

Babies don't keep."

Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

There are days when Viv wakes up, jumps off the bed and begins her day all by herself.

She runs out to the kitchen and gets her breakfast that I made for her, eats and then plays with her toys for hours. 

She just goes into her own little world and stays there until she's satisfied. 

I sit right next to her and watch her as she builds towers, puts her people in their palace, zooms her cars around the floor.

We laugh and sing and she just enjoys herself and her special things.

She doesn't need me as much on these days.

Then there are days where she will wake up, run out to the kitchen (where I usually am - cooking breakfast) and just wants me to hold her.

Today was one of these days.

The kind of day where if I put her down for a second she wraps her arms around my leg and says "Mama!" until I pick her up.

The kind of day where we just sit on the couch for hours and she lays in my arms and I sing her her favorite songs while she plays with my hair.

The kind of day where at any given moment I have two little arms holding tight around my neck and little lips giving my cheeks soft kisses.

These days are my favorite.

Slow, easy, and filled with tiny quiet moments.

I, by nature, have a very hard time just letting things go and relaxing.

I can't sit still if there are dishes in the sink or the floors need to be swept. 

I can't stop making lists in my head of all the things that need to be done, what our next meal will be, etc. 

More and more I've been trying to let these things go.

My baby girl is growing up right before my eyes and there is no way of slowing her down.

Every day she is bigger and smarter than the day before.

Every day she is more independent and less reliant on me.

In just a few short months we'll be adding a new baby into our life and it's going to change the way our family operates.

Things will be different and we'll have to adjust to new schedules and Viv will no longer be the only baby vying for my attention and affections. 

So, today I am savoring and breathing in every single slow moment with the little girl who stole my heart. 

I am so deeply loving those tiny arms squeezing me so tight, those tiny fingers brushing my cheek, and all those little laughs and songs her voice whispers to me.

Tomorrow is a whole new day and I may not be so lucky as to get as many snuggles and loves as I'm getting today. 

Tomorrow may be one of those fast, independent days where she doesn't want me quite so close to her.

Tomorrow she will be older and not as tiny.

So now I'm going to go lay my body next to hers as she quietly and peacefully sleeps and breathe her in before this day is forever gone; before my baby is longer a baby. 

Hopes and Goals for 2013

 This year instead of making "resolutions" I've just been thinking about what my hopes for the new year are.

Last year was the biggest year of our lives - becoming parents made the whole year busy, fresh and new. 

We didn't really have much structure in our life since we were just figuring out the whole parenting/baby-raising thing. 

This year is going to be so different than the last.

Our lives are moving and changing so quickly and this new year is going to bring so many new things. 

I'm not going to go into this new year with any expectations but rather let my doors be open and my perspective bright. Since becoming a mom I've definitely learned that you can't have expectations for anything and things are a lot easier to handle when you don't expect a certain outcome.

My biggest hope for this year is for my children to continue be healthy and happy.

We pray everyday for this new baby - that he/she will keep growing and be born big and strong just like Viv was.

My children are my goal for this year and all the years to come.

They are my number one priority and they always will be.

I hope that this year brings as much joy and happiness as last year brought us.

I hope for adventures and learning

 and dreaming and imagining. 

My goal for myself this year is to keep growing as a mother.

I want my children to continue to mold me into the mother that I am supposed to be. 

I want God to continue to show me how to be the mother that He has called me to be.

I want to be more patient.

I want to be happy in each moment and not think about all the other things I have to think about.

I want to be content with what I have and where I am in this life.

I want my happiness and joy of life to run over and reflect in my children and in my husband.

Becoming parents has made Josh and I closer than ever before in our marriage and I want that to continue.

I want us to keep loving and laughing and being free.

I hope and pray that we will be blessed with a job opportunity.

Finding a good and "real" job these days is hard but I have faith that it will work out for us.

We are ready and willing to go wherever we need to go to find a job that will provide stability.

In the next few months Josh is going to be working so hard at finishing up school and applying for jobs and internships. We will be moving away. We say we're going to the Virginia area but he is going to be sending applications out as far as Tampa so we don't really know where we're going to end up. It's easy to say that we're going to move to wherever we need to move to because we're up for the adventure and the challenges that this step is going to bring us. We're young, we're motivated, and most importantly we have to provide for our children. 

The hardest part is going to be leaving all of our family. 

I can't even think about that. 

I think it may break my heart to move away from my mom.

But I have to keep my babies and my husband in mind. 

We started this journey and moving to find work is just a small part of our big picture. 

So, my hope for this is that God will bring us and our family peace and understanding through this process.

I'm so ready for this year and all of the ups and downs it may will bring.

It's going to be a crazy ride...but that's what we signed up for right?

The Magic of Christmas

I really am so excited for Christmas this year.

The year we got married I made sure that Christmas was a huge deal.

I was working full-time and Josh had two jobs so we had a lot of extra money that we were able to buy each other gifts with. 

I spent weeks picking out and buying gifts for Josh and I made sure he had plenty of things to open on Christmas morning. 

It was my first Christmas as a wife and I felt like I had to just make it so big and memorable.

It was definitely fun spoiling each other but looking back is not something I would do again.
Even though I put a lot of thought into the things I got and he loved everything, it just was a little bit over-the-top. I don't think we would even remember what we got each other now if we didn't have pictures.

Then, last Christmas was so different. I wasn't working and Josh was only making enough money to cover bills. 

We barely even had money to buy a Christmas Tree. 

We weren't able to get each other any gifts - not a single one.

It was sad and depressing.

I kept reading blogs about all these beautiful and abundant Christmas morning's that everyone had and it was really hard for me. 

We got a lot of gifts from family on Christmas Eve and at my parents house, but when Josh and I woke up on Christmas morning it was empty under the tree.

I'm not someone who is obsessed with material things, but when it comes to Christmas I need to feel the magic.
 Now, looking back I wish I hadn't have let it bother me so much - it was so trivial. 

This year is different from both of the previous Christmases.

About a month ago my dad called one night and told me that I had some money that I had forgotten about and he wanted to remind me of it. He wanted to see if I wanted him to keep holding on to it or if I wanted to take it. Josh and I were in the store when my dad called and I literally just started weeping (and then jumping up and down) when he told me. I had been praying for some kind of miracle so that we could have a nice Christmas...even if it was just so that I could get Josh and Viv one or two things. 

So, I thought about it and talked with Josh about what we should do with the money. If we should just pay bills with it, keep saving it, or have a nice Christmas. We talked and since we had December's bills covered Josh said we would be fine and didn't need it for bills. We have a pretty good system for paying the bills and never are late...our problem is that we just don't have any money left *after* paying the bills. 

Anyway, we decided that since I had been saving and waiting for this money for years that I should be the one to decided how to use it or save it.

So, this is how I decided to use the money:

Save some.

Use some toward bills so that we had a little extra money when we needed some.

Use the rest on gifts.

Now, it wasn't a lot of money, but to me it felt like a fortune!

So, over the past few weeks I've been making and buying gifts for everyone in the family.

I even made all of my cousins a little something! 

I put all of my thought and love into what we would get for each member of the family.

I didn't splurge and I didn't buy things just to buy things.

I really thought about each item and each person and it was such a special time for me.

I feel great that I didn't spend a lot of money but that I was able to spend enough so that I could bless each member of the family with some special things that they will remember.

This Christmas feels extra special because it's so filled with love and not filled with an obsession over material possessions.
I can hardly wait for us give out our gifts and for Josh and Viv to wake up on Christmas morning! 

Anyway, all of that was just to get to this part of the post:

All growing up my brothers and I would be excited all year for Christmas time to come.

My mom made this holiday spectacular every single year.

When we lived in our first house (where I mostly grew up) we had cathedral ceilings in our living room.

Now, I probably remember this room being a whole lot larger than it actually is since I was young, but I know that it was really a large room.

So, every year we would go out into the woods at my grandma's house and my mom would spend hours picking out the perfect Christmas Tree. All my brothers and I were pretty young and there was always a few feet of snow on the ground, so this particular part of Christmas wasn't our most favorite. After my mom found her perfect tree my dad would cut it down and we would bring it home. These trees were about 20 feet tall and at least 8 feet wide or more - huge, monstrous trees! My mom would bring up dozens of bins and boxes of ornaments and decorations up from the basement and my dad would get his full-length ladder from the garage and start with the lights. 

I remember being in my pajamas and sifting through hundreds and hundreds of ornaments with my mom. She would tell me the story for each ornament and we would add them to the tree. Mom would stay up decorating the house with all the finest details of the holiday.
Garlands on the stairs' banister, nativities secretly placed all around on shelves and wreaths hanging on doors. 

My mom is the queen of Christmas decorating.  

Every year on Christmas Eve my brothers and I would each get two gifts to open: one was new pajamas and the other was a special ornament. Mom always picked out an ornament that had something to do with our year. Sometimes it would be a favorite animal from that year, a hobby that we started, or just something she knew we would love. 

She still does the ornaments for us and they're still just as special.

After we opened our two gifts my younger brothers and I always left milk and cookies out for Santa.

Even though we grew up in a strong Christian house and Christ was always the center, our parents still gave us the magic of Santa. I think I knew at a young age that he wasn't real, but that didn't matter, it was the magic of the thoughts and traditions that came along with believing in him brought. It was the real story of Saint Nicholas that I believed in - so it as still fun to pretend that Santa really did come on Christmas night.

We would go to bed that night with flutters in our hearts because we knew that when we woke up the next morning there would be magic everywhere. 

After we were all in bed on Christmas Eve night my mom would stay up late into the night wrapping gifts and arranging them perfectly under the tree (I know this because after I got older I started staying up late with her wrapping gifts for my brothers and talking). Mom put every ounce of her love into wrapping and arranging those gifts.
 Every crease and fold in the wrapping paper was (and still is) perfect.

On Christmas morning I always remember running in to wake my brothers up so we could all run to see what was under the tree. 

We would run to the living room and just stand with sparkles in our eyes looking at what "Santa" had brought us this year. We would go around looking at all the gifts looking for our names - but never touching any of the presents because we wanted Mom and Dad to enjoy them too. We would go get my parents and they would come to the living room and be just as in awe as we were (more in awe of the joy in the hearts and eyes of their children). My mom would get out her camera and my dad would set up the video camera. We would all line up on the couch and Mom would give us all our stockings.

My favorite part about our Christmas mornings were our stockings. I think I grew up thinking that the best thing about my mom was how she made them so perfect. 

We would always have an orange, some candy, and lots of little toys and things we just loved. Every tiny gift was just what we wanted. In my stocking I always had girly things for my hair and chapstick, things with princesses, or tiny trinkets for the shelves of my bedroom. It always amazed me how many things were able to fit in those small stockings. 

After that we would go around handing out gifts to each other and taking turns opening them. Each one was just as big of a surprise as the next. The whole process took a few hours and as kids, we just wanted to rip every thing open all at once but we always had to take turns - one by one.
Christmas evening all of our extended family would come over to open more gifts and my mom would make a huge dinner. I always remember playing with all the cousins for hours and talking about all our new toys.

Over the past few years Mom always kept Christmas pretty much the same.
We moved to a smaller house when I was a teenager so our tree's went from monstrous to normal sized.
My oldest brother moved away and got married.
I moved out of the house and got married.
And now all my younger brothers are teenagers.
So, things aren't as "fun" as when we were all kids.
No more bright toys or using our imaginations all day long.
But it's funny, because now this year it's like my childhood Christmas is coming back to us.
Now we have Viv, a tiny young soul filled with wonder and joy.
A little person to take in all of the magic of Christmas - so innocently.
A new child to play with toys and imagine and dream.
A new heart to be thankful and happy.

Christmas to me isn't about the gifts.
I was raised in a family that was able to bless their children with new, fun things and I'm thankful for that blessing.
But to me Christmas is about the magic that fills the air and fills the souls.
I remember every detail of every Christmas morning of my childhood because my parents made sure that there was joy in every detail.
Christmas for me is about the love that is so strong between family.
I am so thankful that I had four brothers to spend Christmas morning with every year.
I am so thankful that I had two wonderful parents.
I am thankful for the details.
For the lights, for the smells, for the people.
For the innocence that my parents put in my heart.
For the imagination and wonder that was instilled in me that I can pass on to my children.
I'm thankful that in the past few years my family has more than doubled in size.
My in-law side of our family is beautiful and I love that my kids are going to grow up with them in their lives.

So, this year is my first year that I'm going to pass on to my child the magic that my parents gave to me.
We all have new pajamas and ornaments to open on Christmas Eve, and stories to read under the tree about Santa and Jesus' birth.
I'm going to make a special breakfast and video every moment from the time Viv wakes up on Christmas morning.
We don't need a lot of gifts or money to enjoy the Christmas holiday.
I am thankful that I have a family to spend this time with, to laugh with, and to love.
I treasure these days and these memories. 

Questioning and Absolute Reassurance

There are days when I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed with my life. 

The days where the house looks like a tornado just swept through only moments after I spent an hour cleaning, the days where Joshua is working from morning until night, the days when we're not sure what we'll eat until payday comes around, the days where my 10 month old child throws tantrums and screams for seemingly no reason. 

I feel like we have a lot of these days.

There are quite a few days that I question why we chose to have children so young.

Why didn't we wait a few years?

Why didn't I finish college first?

Why didn't we wait until Joshua had a steady job and owned our own home?

Why didn't we wait until we were older and more mature?

Why, at 20 years old, did we decide it was a smart or wise decision to bring children into this world? 

I never questioned why we got married at 19 years old - I knew that was the right thing for us, but now why when it comes to children am I always questioning.

Is it because of the days where I feel like I'm 6 feet underwater and sinking fast?

Is it because of our financial situation that I sometimes feel we're inadequate parents?

Is it because days go by without me leaving the house because Joshua always has the car to go to work or school?

Sometimes I feel just so overwhelmed by these days.
But then, when I start to get discouraged and overwhelmed I remember that this life is fleeting. It's a vapor.
The things of this world will soon pass away.
What really is more important than raising a family?
Raising children who will share the full life and love that they were shown by their parents is the most important thing.
Then I am so thankful that we decided to have a baby when we did.
Even through all of our money struggles, God has provided and Vivienne has never gone without anything that she's needed.
There is a joy that raising our daughter brings us that can't be found anywhere else.

I remember that there will be a day soon that I won't have to worry about having money for groceries, or be frustrated that I don't have a house to raise my babies in.
We are living our lives the best we can to glorify the Lord, to show our children the love that He shows, to raise our family in a righteous way the best that we can. I am confident that the Lord is going to bless us because of that. I am confident that through all these struggles we face while Joshua is trying to finish school, the Lord will provide for our every need. I know that He will provide us with a good job, a warm home, and healthy children. We're facing the toughest times of our life right now with finances, jobs, and figuring out where we go from here but I'm not scared, and I don't worry.
I trust that things will come together when it's time.

We have already come so far in the past few years.
We're 21 years old and we have been married for almost 2 and a half years and are still as in love as the day we got married. We have a perfectly healthy and beautiful child. We have no debt. We have a spacious, warm apartment to live in. We have a car that is new and runs well.
We may not have more than we need but we find a way to make sure that right now it is enough.
We have parents who help us when we need help. Who make sure we don't go without.
It's hard to sometimes have to make it 2 weeks with only $20 in the bank.
It's hard mentally and emotionally.
But we do trust that it will all be okay.

When things get tough I remember that every single laugh, hug and kiss from my baby is a gift.
Every conversation and kind word from my husband are a treasure - his love and faithfulness.
These things are what make this life worth living.
Life is simple but we complicate it with worry and fear.
 My heart is so thankful that God worked out my life in the way that He did.
That He put me on the path that not a lot of people venture on so young; so green and new.
I'm thankful for these days that are growing and shaping me to be stronger.
There will be a day when I look back on my life and I don't want to look at these days as drudgery or stress.
I want to look back on these days of my life and see how I've grown, see what I've accomplished, and remember the adventures and love that my family created.
See the life that grew so abundantly because we were faithful servants.

A Little Sentimental...

Today Viv went to her first play group.

Last night after I put her to sleep in our bed I got up and fixed her lunch and picked out her outfit so that I didn't have any excuses to be late or not go. 

I had been putting off going for weeks months because of many reasons...

she was too young to enjoy other kids, summer was so busy, thrush, etc.

This week though I was bound and determined to get us there and get us there on time.

As I was packing her things last night I got teary eyed and had to stop for a minute. 

Even though we were just going over to church for a few hours to play, I got emotional thinking of the future when I'll be packing her lunch and sending her off to school. 

These days are flying by and I just want time to slow down. 

I'm going to blink my eye and she is going to be walking.

talking.

sleeping in her own room.

shaving her legs.

driving.

graduating.

I cried tonight because Josh and I were talking about what life was like without her.

Trying to remember what it was like without her.

Life was wonderful...but it could never compare to what it is now.

This girl...this tiny child...

she is our world.

She is our everything.

We eat, sleep and breathe her beautiful life. 

Every smile and every laugh is just as precious and priceless as the first.

I live so deeply in every single moment with her and at the same time have an unbound excitement for the next day, when all over again we will breathe her in and cherish her just the same as the day before.

Being a mother is the hardest yet most wonderful experience I think that must be out there.

xo.

I'm a little emotional tonight...

Every morning we wake up to see the most beautiful sleepy-eyed little girl laying in between us. The morning is such a special time for our little family because we are all together and things are the most peaceful. 

When she first wakes up, Vivienne will just lay with us and talk to us.

 We listen to her baby babble and tell us about her dreams and her adventures.

 She touches our faces and gives us soft little kisses.

Her eyes, always looking a little dream kissed and her skin is soft - perfection.

Every morning she looks more like a little girl rather than a baby.

A little girl so dainty and full of life.

A little girl who has excitement in her eyes as she looks forward to a day full of playing and exploring.

The life and energy she has is inspiring.

She is now on the go more than ever before.

As soon as her body hits the floor there's no stopping her.

She crawls at lightening speed and walks along everything she can balance herself against - including doors and walls.

She is brave and unafraid.

She tries until she succeeds.

She is always looking for the approval of her Mommy and Daddy and she knows we will always be there cheering her on, encouraging her, and picking her up when she falls. 

My greatest hope is that she will know that forever and for always.

It breaks my heart to know that she will never be as little as she is right now.

It breaks my heart that she no longer holds onto just one of my fingers because her hands are so small but that she holds onto my hand and wraps all her fingers around.

 Those fingers that were once so short and chubby are becoming long and slender.

It breaks my heart knowing that one day she won't want to sleep in between her parents at night. 

That she will want to be in her own bed, in her own room.

I know that she will always need me.

But as she gets bigger she is needing me less and less.

7 short months ago she needed me to hold her head up and now she doesn't even need me to help her climb off of our bed in the morning. 

It's a bittersweet thing being a parent...being a mother.

If it were possible, I would choose to keep my first born child a baby forever...but I can't.

 So, I cannot wait to watch as she blossoms into the child and woman that she is going to be. 

I will continue to cherish every single moment with my baby.

I will continue to spend endless hours laughing, kissing and holding her. 

I will continue to savor these precious, precious days.

I will continue to let the sweet innocence of her fill my heart.

.........

I'm a little weepy and sentimental tonight.

I guess that's what happens when you're a women, no? 

oops.

Dear Vivienne

Dear Vivienne, 

My sweet angel baby.

I wish you could know the great love that I feel every moment of every day for you. 

They say that you'll never know a bigger love until you have a child and that couldn't be more true. 

Every smile melts my heart - and you are always smiling.

Your happiness is the brightest light. 

Sometimes I want to keep you locked up with me forever so that you don't have to experience all of the awful things in this world. I want to keep you sheltered and safe. 

But then I remember that the reason you are here is to be a light in this dark world. To make the world a better place, to share your happiness and love. 

I want you to do small things with great love - as Mother Teresa once said.

Whatever you do, put your all into it.

I want you to feel the same kind of fierce love as I feel for your daddy and that I feel for you.

I want you to laugh and sing and dance.

I want you to grow and do all of the things that you want to do.

I want you to be the best that you can be, no matter what it is that you are doing. 

I want you to believe that you can do things and do them! 

I want you to imagine and create.

There is no one who has the same imagination as you do - so use it and use it often.

No matter what, my love for you will never stop or fade. 

I will never love you less because of any mistakes that you make.

We all make mistakes along the way and they are what makes you who you are.

They will make you stronger and wiser.

I will always be there for you.

For you to talk to.

For you to cry with.

For you to be silent with.

I will always. 

Love, 

Mama

Today is a day for snuggles and naps.

Fall is here and so are afternoon rain showers and crisp air.

Although we are struggling with adjusting to new routines, making ends meet financially, preparing ourselves for parenthood...My heart couldn't be happier with my life.

I am content.

I am grateful for the burst of energy that God has given me over the past few weeks and thankful that He is now telling my body that I can rest and enjoy this baby girl who is growing inside me. 

I have no energy to do anything and I love it. 

I love feeling like it's okay to just nap the day away, talk to my little girl in my belly, and just enjoy this time.

Vivienne is kicking big, strong kicks and it's amazing. 

I love watching my belly move around.

Fabienne (dog) knows there's a baby in there too - her new favorite spot is curled up close to Mommy's belly listening to the tiny thunder noises of little feet against my body. Her ears perk up every time she feels or hears a movement and looks at me like "Mom, the baby is awake again!"

Our stuff is still sitting on the floor in boxes - but it's okay - I'm enjoying. 

Today Josh is home all day and we have just been in bed snuggling with our cuddle puppy and loving every second of peaceful relaxation together. 

I can't wait to make a hot dinner tonight and sip on a cup of tea and snuggle some more. 

Treasure the simple things, my friends...you'll never get these moments back.