September 8, 2011


My dreams have been getting more and more vivid lately. 
Most often I am dreaming about my little Vivienne or giving birth. 
I love it so much - when I wake up I feel a little bit closer with my Girl.
Last night however, I had a rather frightening dream and it felt all too real.
It was about Josh (my husband) and I.

this post is very emotion-heavy.
If love-y talk make you feel sick maybe this story isn't for you.

let me catch you up a little
See, a few years ago before Josh and I started dating I was far too close to marrying my highschool boyfriend.
It wasn't a relationship that I was happy in and was just all wrong for me.
Said boyfriend came home from a semester away in England with an engagement ring.
See - far too close to marrying the wrong guy!
It scared me to death because I didn't love him. I felt no emotion, nothing in my soul.
Josh was my best friend and we were purely and innocently in love.
During this time of "almost engagement" Josh and I didn't speak for a month because he knew I had a boyfriend and that it was wrong for us to be such close friends as long as I was in a relationship. 
That was the longest, most dreary month of my life.
  I cried all the time because I just longed for this guy who was my best friend - the one person my soul felt utterly connected to. 
I didn't think that we were ever going to speak to each other again.
*the reason this was all so hard is because we never admitted that we loved each other*
It broke me and it broke Josh. 
As you can see - Josh and I almost didn't happen.
So, back to my dream last night
this is the condensed version because as I mentioned, my dreams have been extremely vivid and detailed and this post is already pretty emotion-heavy and I don't want to further torture you with every detail.

It started out where Josh and I were best friends, we did everything together for so long. 
Some time passed, maybe a year or so and we never told each other how much we loved the other. 
We parted ways as what happens to friends in life - for school, work, etc.
for years all I could think of was Joshua. 
I had boyfriends but they never worked out because I still loved him.
About 10 years passed and we both went back to our home town where we grew up as best friends.
We bumped into each other at a social gathering and the raw emotion that I felt (in the dream and for real) just overcame me. 
There was this boy standing in front of me who I loved so dearly, who was now a man. 
A man with a wife, children, a home, a career. 
I hugged him and felt that boy I always knew - my heart was still his.
The pain and regret was so powerful, so real. 
My soul was stuck in the decade that was behind us and my body standing in the present. 
All I could think of were the things that 10 years ago I should have done differently. If only I would have just run to him and told him I loved him - what would I have lost more than I lost by not speaking up. 
My dream ended with me standing in front of Josh - all these emotions rushing through me. 
I woke up
horribly shaken from the things that just went on in my mind. It took me a minute or two to process the fact that it was a dream - it wasn't real.
Josh came home from work at 8am, a few minutes after I had woken up and I just held him close. 
I am so thankful for the life I have - for the husband I have.
I'm so thankful that 2 years ago I spoke up (well... had a meltdown) and told Josh that I loved him that I needed him in my life. On the night Josh and I talked about our feelings I said this to him:
"I don't want to live my life wondering what would have happened with us if we didn't try. I can't live with any regrets."

I haven't thought about it in a very long time, how I was so close to my life being so different from what it is now. I don't like to think about it because honestly, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are sealed together for life.
Sometimes I feel like no one else could ever feel as passionately about someone as I do about my husband because it's so strong in my soul.
I wish for everyone to feel this way - to love so strongly that nothing could ever unbind.

The End
I apologize for the "cheesy-ness" of this post.
But...I am a pregnant woman and you know what that means...emotions are stronger than ever!

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