December 19, 2012

Questioning and Absolute Reassurance

There are days when I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed with my life. 
The days where the house looks like a tornado just swept through only moments after I spent an hour cleaning, the days where Joshua is working from morning until night, the days when we're not sure what we'll eat until payday comes around, the days where my 10 month old child throws tantrums and screams for seemingly no reason. 
I feel like we have a lot of these days.
There are quite a few days that I question why we chose to have children so young.
Why didn't we wait a few years?
Why didn't I finish college first?
Why didn't we wait until Joshua had a steady job and owned our own home?
Why didn't we wait until we were older and more mature?
Why, at 20 years old, did we decide it was a smart or wise decision to bring children into this world? 
I never questioned why we got married at 19 years old - I knew that was the right thing for us, but now why when it comes to children am I always questioning.
Is it because of the days where I feel like I'm 6 feet underwater and sinking fast?
Is it because of our financial situation that I sometimes feel we're inadequate parents?
Is it because days go by without me leaving the house because Joshua always has the car to go to work or school?
Sometimes I feel just so overwhelmed by these days.
But then, when I start to get discouraged and overwhelmed I remember that this life is fleeting. It's a vapor.
The things of this world will soon pass away.
What really is more important than raising a family?
Raising children who will share the full life and love that they were shown by their parents is the most important thing.
Then I am so thankful that we decided to have a baby when we did.
Even through all of our money struggles, God has provided and Vivienne has never gone without anything that she's needed.
There is a joy that raising our daughter brings us that can't be found anywhere else.

I remember that there will be a day soon that I won't have to worry about having money for groceries, or be frustrated that I don't have a house to raise my babies in.
We are living our lives the best we can to glorify the Lord, to show our children the love that He shows, to raise our family in a righteous way the best that we can. I am confident that the Lord is going to bless us because of that. I am confident that through all these struggles we face while Joshua is trying to finish school, the Lord will provide for our every need. I know that He will provide us with a good job, a warm home, and healthy children. We're facing the toughest times of our life right now with finances, jobs, and figuring out where we go from here but I'm not scared, and I don't worry.
I trust that things will come together when it's time.

We have already come so far in the past few years.
We're 21 years old and we have been married for almost 2 and a half years and are still as in love as the day we got married. We have a perfectly healthy and beautiful child. We have no debt. We have a spacious, warm apartment to live in. We have a car that is new and runs well.
We may not have more than we need but we find a way to make sure that right now it is enough.
We have parents who help us when we need help. Who make sure we don't go without.
It's hard to sometimes have to make it 2 weeks with only $20 in the bank.
It's hard mentally and emotionally.
But we do trust that it will all be okay.

When things get tough I remember that every single laugh, hug and kiss from my baby is a gift.
Every conversation and kind word from my husband are a treasure - his love and faithfulness.
These things are what make this life worth living.
Life is simple but we complicate it with worry and fear.
 My heart is so thankful that God worked out my life in the way that He did.
That He put me on the path that not a lot of people venture on so young; so green and new.
I'm thankful for these days that are growing and shaping me to be stronger.
There will be a day when I look back on my life and I don't want to look at these days as drudgery or stress.
I want to look back on these days of my life and see how I've grown, see what I've accomplished, and remember the adventures and love that my family created.
See the life that grew so abundantly because we were faithful servants.

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