December 21, 2012

My Thoughts for the Day.

When I was in the shower this morning I was thinking (that's really the only time I have to think) about some things. I think that every day I'm going to do a short post about my thoughts for the day, kind of like a journal entry. That is, if I have enough time in the day to have anything thoughts! 


Becoming a mother for the first time was the weirdest experience I will ever go through. 
My body went through a trauma it had never had before and my emotions for the first week after Viv was born were horrific. 
I had no idea what I was doing or why I wanted to have a baby.
It was bad - so bad.
I know I won't feel like this again because it was definitely a new-mom thing. It was because I had no idea what the hell was going on. I think what made it the worst was the fact that even though Viv breastfed great from the moment she was born, I wasn't used to it. I was sore, I was crying, and then after a few days my milk came in. It was painful and it was weird. Breastfeeding never felt natural for me even though it went smoothly. For months I felt awkward and I never got that rush of oxytocin that everyone talked about being so wonderful. 
*After a few months it definitely got better emotionally for me and now I love breastfeeding and Viv is almost a year old.*
To make things worse, Josh had to go back to work and school only a few days after we brought the baby home. I didn't really have time to figure out what I was doing before I was alone all day while he was gone. Every night when he got home I cried uncontrollably  for hours. It freaked him out and it freaked me out because neither of us knew why I was so distraught. 
Luckily, all of these emotions only lasted about a week.
After that I got my head all figured out, got my baby figured out, and things got a lot better from there.
But that first week is definitely something that will always be so strong in my mind - it was intense. 

I am so glad that I never have to be a first-time mom ever again.
Even through all of the wonderful and beautiful moments that made up my days, the confusion and awkwardness was enough to make me go mad. 
Being pregnant for the second time is such a different experience than it was when I was pregnant with Viv. 
I know what it will be like to have a newborn, I know the routine of changing diapers and nursing. 
With Viv I was forever reading different things about pregnancy and having a newborn, following the growth and development every week.
  Everything is still so fresh and new in my mind that I almost feel like a baby-growing professional. 
I don't constantly think about what it will be like to go into labor and deliver the baby - I just know it's going to happen and I know what to expect and I don't think about it. 
What I do constantly think about is what it's going to be like to have a 15 month old baby and a brand new baby.
Now there's a thought that scares me a little!
Sleeping schedules are going to change - where will the new baby sleep since we already co-sleep with Viv.
Are we going to teach Viv to sleep alone or is the new baby going to sleep in a bassinet?
 Since Viv is still nursing, our feeding schedules are going to have to adapt to two babies nursing.
When I go out I'll have two babies to fit in a shopping cart or put in the stroller.
Two babies to give baths every day, two babies to always change clothes and diapers of. 
Two babies to take to playgroups and church.
I know we'll work everything out fine and things will fall into place just like they did when we were new parents with our first baby, but there is still just so much to think about just like when we were first pregnant. Only this time, everything that we're thinking about is so different.

I'm so excited to have two babies.
Being a mom is the most fun thing and I'm so excited to have two babies to play with and love and to raise.
I'm so ready for the challenge of having two.
I'm ready for the chaos!

No comments:

Post a Comment